This was my first writing attempt on this site. I have now edited this poem so hopefully it is a little better than it originally was. Thank you to everyone for your help.
Barren
Desolate silence
Isolated, solemn irrelevance
Cavernous inner painful despair
Thus life's unforgiving, tormenting continuation
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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OK, now it's even more unrelated than before - at least the first version had some structure: this *is* just random words.
First version was superior, but I think both suffer from the fact that there's nothing to them.
Thanks heaps to everyone for you critique. Sorry jennafina and snoink but I had to listen to the majority and see if I could improve on this a bit. I was reluctant to change the first four lines as I put a lot of thought into them, however perhaps I could have put more thought into the last line which I have now changed. Hope it has more meaning now and no longer just seems like a string of words.
Thanks for your help everyone, let me know your thoughts on the newer version, is it any better?
I'm caught in two minds about this, really. On one hand I feel like it's hack poetry, which you've just thrown down onto paper randomly. On the other hand, I can appriciate that there might well be subtleties that weren't intended (or even were!) which give it a whole other layer.
So
...
I'm waiting.
PS:Man you must have a depressing church. Mine is so much more interesting and insane than that.
i agree with emotion less - this was a string of words that conveyed a meaning, though.... i didn't like the ending. i know you did it to tie it all together, but there wasn't much TO tie together and it was just repetitive and annoying. i like the "continuation" thing, though, so keep that in there somewhere in the last line. =]
To me, it just felt like a string of similar words... but I guess that's what poetry really is, right? I didn't really like it because it just seemed like a bunch of fancy words saying the same thing. But I can't say it's bad, just not something I really like.
It reminds me of going to church. My church loves tormenting its congregation.
No, but I did like it. It was just like going to church... without having to go to church!
I might do this for a more "dramatic" effect.
Barren, desolate, isolated, cavernous
Continuation
...or something like that. It's really your choice.
Wow, thanks for your post jennafina! This poem is about the solitude and emptiness that I am feeling in my life right now. I am really pleased that you liked it.
Wow, even though I don't understand what this is suposed to mean at all, I really, really like it. It's cool how each discriptive word has a line, and then the last line repeats them all and adds 'continuation'.
No criticism.
My favorite line is this:
Isolated, solemn irrelevance
because for some reason it reminds me of either an empty classroom with white walls, or a cave. Don't ask me why.